Unsent Letters Part #1

Growing up I used journals and notebooks to vent into.  The journals were for me and the notebooks I would write letters to people, more times than not, I would never send those letters.  Two days ago I was going through my notebooks and I found several letters addressed to Marsh (sperm donor) and they were all surrounding the adoption.  

Sperm Donor - I know this may seem harsh or mean or even gross to call him, but during my pregnancy I saw two counselors.  One counselor was to help me through the adoption and anything having to do with it specifically and the other was for everything.  My regular counselor, Dru, said that calling Marsh, sperm donor, was a good way for me to keep him in his role and to not let myself romanticize his place in the adoption.  She was and is right.  Marsh wasn't supportive at all and at first I did have a lot of hope that he would swoop in, and against his nature, want me and my child and want to be a family.  Anyway, I still like to call him the sperm donor because it keeps him at a distance for me.

So!  Since I found several letters and pages pertaining to Marsh, I thought I would make it into a series....  I will sometimes make comments in reaction to what I have written, my comments will be made in red.

Unsent Letter Part #1

"I have started this letter over and over in my head and even though you'll never feel it, it will probably take countless efforts into finishing it.  I can be harsh or calm, but either way each point will come across to my liking.  In other words, this is intended to be my farewell piece.  I am a woman and therefore I need closure.  (I love that)

My family keeps asking me "Aren't you Angry?"  The answer is "Yes!"  No matter what happened before and what's happened since, in the exact moment that I told you I was pregnant you broke your promise to not abandon me.  You can rant and rave that you didn't, but in truth you had abandoned me long before the pregnancy.  But!  The pregnancy is the only thing that matters.  Nothing else matters.  Instead of sitting down and talking and figuring out what we were going to do AS A COUPLE! TOGETHER! You had fled for the emergency door.  You told me your opinion and then bullied and manipulated me while trying to convince me that your opinion was the only opinion to have.  You didn't want me to think for myself, you just didn't want to have to be a man and take responsibility for your actions....."

to be continued....