A friend is a person who wants to be there no matter what. Good, bad, and ugly. They listen, hold, sympathize. They try to cheer you up, they know all your deepest darkest secrets, but love you all the same. Nothing could keep a real friend away, cause they know they can depend on you for the exact same in return. You never gave me your friendship. I couldn't come to you for advice, I couldn't cry on your shoulder, I couldn't expect you to always be there. Why? You never let me in. I was lower to you than a friend. I was someone who should've been treated as more than a friend. But, everyone else came before I did.
(have you ever read something you had written and wanted to add "blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda" after it? so much whiney drama in this letter, I have to laugh at myself even though I know the sort of pain I was feeling at the time was very real. I'm absolutely happy that I've been able to let all of that go and can look back in amusement and poke a little fun at myself)
I just wanted someone there telling me it'd be over soon and everything was going to be all right. Just like when I told you I was pregnant. All I wanted was you to tell me that we'd figure things out. Then we'd sit down and discuss our way through it. But, you kicked me when my whole world was tumbling down. All you cared about was making sure YOU were covered and YOU weren't going to be stuck with any of the responsibility. What kind of a man does that?
(that was often a feeling I'd had through the pregnancy. that the situation was so much easier for the sperm donor because he didn't have to spend 10 months with a child growing inside, with that inevitable bond forming, struggling to not get attached to a helpless human being who was made up of half my DNA. I'm sure some men could come really close to imagining just what it's like to help create life inside our bodies, but will they ever quite get it? i seriously doubt it.)
to be continued....
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