Birthmother Panel on Dating After Placement

Dating can be awkward...

Throw a birthmother into the mix and the awkward-o-meter breaks.

Or that has been my experience.

I've struggled, somewhat, with dating after the placement of Frog Mann, almost 4 years ago, and I was wondering how other birthmother's were handling it.

Questions like: When to tell a guy you're a birthmother? If you should at all? How much do you tell? And what sort of reactions to expect? Can be tough questions to answer...

Here's a few birthmother's opinions on the matter from all walks of life. Thank you ladies for sharing your experiences with me and the rest of the world!

Marie - "I'm married now but when I was dating after placement it is so hard to bring up adoption. You don't know how the guy will react. I dated a lot and it really depended on where i was and how I felt with grief if I opened up. Some guys I told fast others I waited till we dated for awhile. It was hard to keep it quiet too long because I had pictures hung in my house and a bookshelf that was sort of full of baby memories. I don't remember how I told a lot of them. I showed some pictures, my scrapbook. Some were very understanding others were not. I would not get serious with someone if they didn't understand. I need the support of someone I love/care about. I wish I would have told my husband better. We worked together and a few people at work knew about my son so one day we were talking on the phone i just basically blurted out that I had a son I placed then later filled him in more. I hope this helps. My advice is to only be open about if it you feel comfortable. You don't need to tell everyone you date. I personally think it's better to be in a relationship before telling them because it's such a special experience to me and I don't just want anyone to know and judge me without knowing me or the whole story. I hope that makes sense."

Amy - "I went on a blind date 4 months after I gave my birthdaughter up for adoption. I laid everything out on the table the first night I met him. I didn't want to hide anything from him. I wanted him to know about my life the first time we met because it is only fair for the both of us. He was very caring about the subject and he told me that he looked up to me for making such a hard decision. He has a little girl that lives full time with him. Well to make a long story short, we have been together now 4 years and we just got married this past July. My advice is to be very open at the beginning if you think that the relationship is going to go anywhere. Don't hide anything from him, because you don't want to lose someone who really cares about you!! If he doesn't accept it, he doesn't really care about you in the first place!!"

Shawna - "I was from a small area and everyone already knew that I had placed my baby for adoption, but I kind of in a way liked it that way. It helped open up my view of what kind of guys would date me (and surprisingly the guys who seem only out for "one thing" normally stayed away from me because I'd had a kid and aparently wasn't fun to be around anymore) and it helped me see what guys were willing to get to know me as a person."

Tosha - "Honesty is always the best policy. I told my husband after I KNEW that there was a connection that might be heading for marriage or something serious (it was on about date 2 or 3). I don't think its necessary to tell some random dude something so personal unless you thought there was something there. I would not wait until engagement, that's unfair.

My husband was very accepting, loving and caring when I told him...you can bet that if he wasn't I wouldn't have married him, and I am fortunate to still have that same love and support now. I know TOO many woman who have husbands who are jerks about their adoption and it makes their lives miserable. It's best to clear the air before things get too serious, its only fair, I mean after all you would want them to tell you something that important too, right?"

Leah - "Most guys I were interested in didn't really care, but when I told my (future) husband that I had a daughter he said, "I know (because of my facebook page), and if God can forgive you, so can I." Meaning, forgiving me of having sex outside of marriage and not being pure like he was. He met Kaylee 2 months into our dating relationship and has just fit into our adoption since :-)

And with that, I would say that if a birthmother meets a guy (or a regular friend too!) that doesn't respect your decision and can't handle it, obviously they are NOT the one for you."